TiLtiNg FoRwArD

I'll break this year down as follows, I'm not a fan. At the beginning of the year, I watched a good friend lose her mom suddenly--it was painful. Her parents were in the MTC preparing to go on a mission when suddenly her mom got ill. She was hospitalized and although many fasted and prayed, she wasn't spared. Being human, you may sympathize or even empathize with how that feels, but if you're not a single young woman then you can't imagine it all the way. Parents aren't suppose to leave until way after you've found someone to share that burden with, right? Yet here my friend is, somehow holding her head up, forcing herself to make decisions to progress in this life (inspiring us along the way) and all with a big missing mom compass.

The year has progressed and I've watched several other friends go through trials and experience scares with their families (i.e. brother got shot, dad had a stroke, parent has incurable disease, cancer came back, got in a horrible car accident) and I got really, really anxious. You know, that gnawing thing called death that--at the age of 29--I didn't think I'd have to deal with yet; at least not on the one generation level. I started getting anxious I'd lose my parents. I tried to forced myself to acknowledging that, that thing might happen sooner than I thought and I had to start preparing for it.

Fast forward to Fall 2010, my dad travels all the time for work. Really, that around the world trip I got as a graduation present? All from his frequent flier miles. He's been to Thailand, Singapore, China, New York, Amsterdam, London, L.A., middle-of-nowhere U.S.A., no big deal. Thus, this impending trip to China was a cinch, he'd been to Shanghai loads of times. However, every time I knelt down to pray I had these visions of my dad in some Chinese alley by himself, something happening and no one speaking the language, knowing who he was or being able to help him. The entire week my parents were in China, I prayed nothing would happen to him. I said to myself, "you're being crazy, he's at work all day and mom's there with him. When would he ever be on his own? If anything (morbid, I know) it's mom I should be worried about, she'll be on her own all day and has never been to Shanghai!"

So imagine my thoughts when, after a nice meal at Founding Farmers in the district, I'm on the metro with a friend and oddly (phone reception underground isn't exactly stellar) I get a phone call from my mom. She'd told me they weren't getting home from China until Saturday and that she'd call me when they arrived in Chicago, thus my confusion when she's ringing my phone a day early. Impressed that I had reception (my phone is crap) and set to give her a hard time about getting her dates right, I answered my phone. As you know, it wasn't the phone call I'd expected.

Now, rewind a few paragraphs. remember what I said? Yeah, basically now experiencing my nightmare. As I sat on the plane to Chicago, I cried thinking my dad might never walk me down the isle (proverbially) or use his negotiating skills to help me buy my first house, or be there to give me advice on jobs. It's been a long road these past few weeks and we're blessed that dad is progressing and who knows, maybe God was answering my avoid-China-disaster prayer. It's also brought up a lot of questions that I need to answer for myself, like the fact that a brain is the outlet for your spirit in this life, so if he (or anyone) has sustained brain injuries, what does that mean for who they really are? Do I have a fake dad the rest of my life? As I said, I've labeled them and I try to sit back and pray for a continued miracle. But what miracles do I have the right to ask for? I was always taught to pray for specifics but as I kneel down to pray I ask myself, how do you align those with God? Do I have the right to ask for my dad to heal completely? Do I have the right to ask for him to be able to go back to work? For him to remember who I am?

Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not praying as much as everyone else or that I'm not doing as much as everyone else. I even feel guilty that I get another chance with my dad whereas my friend and others don't get that same fortune. Where is the justice? What is the plan? I have to trust he has a plan and he's in control. That's hard though, relinquishing the thought of control, which a friend pointedly told me doesn't exist anyway. "Creating order or trying to force [order] mentally is a losing battle in this life, we live in a fallen world," he said. So amidst my attempt to create order in this life, all I'm left with is a hope it will fall into place, that there is some higher pattern to this that the veil is hiding from me. Because on days like today, when I'd normally call my dad to pep-talk me through my job interview, I give myself my own lousy pep-talk, do the interview... then go to my car and burst into tears.

But it's okay... I got this.