NeW ScArLeT LeTtEr

Me thinks Hester Prynne would find 2011 quite different but perhaps just as perplexing. In Nathanial Hawethorne's novel Scarlet Letter, our leading lady Miz. Prynne is shunned from society and forced to wear a scarlet "A", representing adultery, on all her clothing in order to remind herself and others of her heinous crime. In modern words, Hester had sex and got knocked up before she was married. If this were to happen today, she would be profusely congratulated and thrown a baby shower. My how times have changed.

However, while the scarlet "A" may have disappeared, at times I think it's simply morphed into a consonant--an "S" to be precise. Being a "S"ingle Mormon gal (or gent) in the Mormon world can be a bit perplexing at times. You're taught one of the main purposes of this life is to have a family but................. unless you feel like being a Hester Prynne, no can do. Not only are you not fulfilling expectation but you're told to obtain attributes that will make you better spouse/parent/all-around nurturer for when that time comes (okay, good advice.) Yet the learning curve is a bit brutal, since in certain pockets (like D.C.) we're shunned shoved into singles wards where none of those roll models are present--talk about blind leading the blind!

So here we are, lonesome singles making our way in the world. Some looking for love, some not really bothered and others not really understanding the game plan in the first place. If we stay in our own little world, it's okay, just like when Hester stayed in her designated area. But then if we go outside our little community, it can get a bit awkward. Always--always--the subject of being single comes up. I can mentally call when it's about to get brought up because the asker, whether it's because they're unsure of perhaps how to ask or if they should ask, becomes a bit shifty and almost grits their teeth, as if my relationship status is the elephant in the room. Now, I will gladly take this shiftiness and subsequent question (honestly, I don't mind discussing at all) especially if it means they refrain from saying that old Mormon adage that makes absolutely no one feel better: "If it doesn't happen now, it will happen in heaven." Really? If you're reading my blog and you think those words bring any sense of solace, ask yourself this, would you ever say to a couple trying to have a baby, "well, at least you'll get some in the eternities!" Lest you think that was a rhetorical question, I'll answer it for you: no, no you wouldn't.

As example of how awkward married members feel around us singles, in the church a couple of years back a whole issue was dedicated to being single in an effort to help us and help marrieds learn to understand us. "That's cool, good idea," I thought. But then I remember reading the opening paragraph stating that "around the world a growing number of people are getting married older," as if being single was an epidemic. Is this how I'm viewed, as a grave statistic that might not right itself? I'm not a disease, and there's so much more to me than this one, apparent red letter. Since when does being single identify who I am? It doesn't even factor into my professional life! At work, my opinion is sought after, my work praised... I'm simply a working adult. I'm also a woman, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a photographer, a writer, a climber, an avid traveler, an organizational freak, a loyal friend, a reader, a cook, a listening ear, a bargain hunter, a sucker for the empathy card, a snowboarder, a museum junkie, a White Collar/Modern Family lover, a planner, a potter, a history buff, a burgeoning yoga goer etc. etc.

Now, I realize that some of you are probably saying, "well go to a family ward then." But if I do that and NO ONE else does... how does that really help remove my scarlet letter? It would take more than little old me slinking off into a family ward (where they attempt to embrace me for my spinsterhood with consolation that I might get a hot guy in heaven) to change the status quo. And lest you think just us spoiled singles ward area people feel the sting of the scarlet "S", as I've chatted with friends around the world they often express how uncomfortable they feel with the stigma of being single within a family ward. They're often looked at as single first and a person second. Perhaps this illustrates why there's only a 30 percent retention rate among single men over the age of 30 in the church and 60 percent among women. That's sad, really sad.

I agree that singles wards have their time and place, as a bridge between young women/young men and Relief Society/Elders Quorum in the college age of life. But instead of becoming a transitional aid, it has becomes a vice, as if we're stuck in Neverland! I'm not saying I know the solution, or even if there is one. All I know is that at times, I feel this red letter is burning a hole on my front pocket.